struggles of an old christian

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Pls refer to my main blog for wake details. http://reachingfromtheseas.blogspot.com/

Thanks

Hi pls refer to my main blog on my dad’s cancer.

http://reachingfromtheseas.blogspot.com/

Today’s my birthday!

And on my birthday I normally spend it doing something Godly? Normally I’ll pray and ask God for the next step to take in my life, but today I tried fasting the whole day instead of just 1 meal. Cannot man! I ended up sleeping the hunger away. Defeats the purpose of fasting… ie to seek God!

When I woke up from my sleep I saw this booklet from RBC discovery series.

I always had the book there next to my bed. You know one of those books I should read to enlightenment me abt God’s work in our lives thingy. But I never got down to reading it.

You see its a book abt surviving the aftermath of suicide. And I felt it would never apply to me. Cos no one close to me killed themselves!

Then I heard God say, " well you do know someone who did kill himself, Ishi…"

I was like "but I ain’t close, but then again you (God) wont ask me to read something unless it was important."

so I read it and well I guess Ishi’s  death did affect me. Weird that my aunt’s suicide did not affect me as much as Ishi’s??? Guess the age makes a diff.  My aunt killed herself when I was in sec sch.

I have been bothered by the qn  of " why didnt I get to know him better", " why did he kill himself" and  well I do feel guilty that the only memories I have of him is that of an ignorant self absorbed dancer.

The guilt is made worse now that I have been attending Wu classes and flipping thru pictures of my dance instructors and I see picts of Ishi and how diff he looked.

Then I wonder how are my dance instructors coping with his death. They do seem very close to him. I feel even more guilty when I see the little captions they have written of/about him.

I keep wondering … what if my dance instructors found out I worked with him during NTU days and I couldnt stand Ishi?

so ya the book kind of help me understand why I was feeling all this. Cos I did work with him, talk to him and graduate the same yr as him.

and I got to accept the fact that I’ll never understand why did he do such a stupid thing???

Then reading the book also gave me some sense of awareness or rather warning to pay attention to emotional signs of ppl who are trying to recover from the death of a loved one.

And the special thing abt this booklet was it was purely an information based book. Not like full of God’s word booklet. Shows the extent of complexity and saddness one will experience when dealing with suicide.

In a nut shell,

No book or even God’s word can replace a person just showing an act of love to someone struggling with life and depression. We can use a good book and God’s word to help us help them, but nothing beats the human touch/ act of concern and love.

The good book can be found here for those who want to read it.

http://www.rbc.org/bible-study/discovery-series/bookletDetail.aspx?id=48298&Topic=890

Its called " When you’re left behind" under bible study, under discovery series.

God bless!

Check out this song: Boomin’

I’ve been around the way
I’ve been around the block
I got the keys to the city if the gates are locked
And a freak like me ain’t ’bout to stop
I got a hand full of dreams and a heart full of God
Everywhere we go they wonder where we’re from
Well it’s diverse city y’all welcome to come
It sits high on a hill you can see it for days
And even if you can’t you can hear our praise
We go…
Cause we’re boomin’ out the stereo system
This goes out to anyone listening
Boomin’ out the stereosystem
Here to rep the most high with this one
Boomin’ out the stereo system
This goes out to anyone listening
Boomin’ out the stereo system
‘Cause we rock for sure in stereo
If you’re looking to slide, come slide with us
And if you’re looking for a ride, it’s a big old bus
We got black fold, white folk and Middle East
Mexican, Filipino- Jesus Freaks
Got a Haitian Princess, an Aussie Mate
East Coast, Midwest to left side of the states
And when the bus rolls, it’s out the dirty south
Tennessee and we keepin’ it good and loud we go
I got portable sounds to lift me up
Portable sounds to take me higher
Portable sounds to lift me up
So don’t even try to get in my head

ok. God gives me dreams, visions. I think its cos I dont memorise bible verses. Which I’m trying to.
ya!
so… A while ago I had a dream I was building a state of the art mini sub for research! and in the dream I had all the plans and everything. and I could see the sub very clearly!

then I woke up and was like wow cool sub! but what does it mean?

just now God answered it! on cable tv! I think it was on national geography! the show was abt this grp of engineers building the "alica" submarine.

if you guys dont believe in God well I really do! cos…. when I was flipping thru channels and I jumped to that channel I was like shit thats the sub in my dream! OH MY GOD!

so I watched the show. and there came a point the owner of the project was giving thanks. and he said "this project took 3 generations to acheive … blah blah"

and I heard God speak "1 dream 3 generations"
what I gathered from it. I can take one night to have a dream but it can take 3generations to see it come true.

and while I was freaking out at God and saying to Him " My God what was the dream you gave me? Shit I cant remember the destiny dream you gave me! ahhh!!!"

the show continued (dah) and the owner was saying "I would do this all over again!" and I stop freaking out in time to see the ending where they showed " XXXXX (the owner) died after the making of the film. "

It really affected me! Like my God it was like after the guy completed his destiny he was taken away!

like soooooo GOD!

so what does this human have to do???
1) Ask God to give me the blue prints for the destiny He has told me.
2) Ask god to remind me what was the destiny. It bothers along the line of change singapore’s education system or build a sch from presch to sec or JC?
3) Not look back –> I wont do anything esle but this!

What does this affirms me in my life?
1) God has told me my timeline. It will be in my life time.
2) I will have children and grandchildren, spiritual and physical. snigger
3) My destiny is in education!

In Jesus’s name
Amen!

I had a dream…

I went to visit a guy who tried to kill himself over family issues. But it was unsuccessful.

He was in a coma though. So I gave him a kiss on his cheek and he opened his eyes and he was crying.

I stayed beside his bed and took his hand to my heart while he slept. His face did not face me. As if he didnt want to see me.

Then time was up, I had to go. I felt like I wanted to tell him "I love you" but all that came out was "Get well soon."

He did not let go of my hand. I looked at him, he still didnt face me. I looked at his hand holding on to mine. Such strong hands.

In my mind I thought yes I love this man. I kissed his hand, he let go and I left.

There is more to the dream, but I cant remember those parts properly only that scene.

So I wonder what does this dream mean. Or is it my heart telling me I really like someone this time.

Hiaz.

http://www.straitstimes.com/Latest+News/Courts+and+Crime/STIStory_172300.html?vgnmr=1

Ishi I misjudged you.

Ok in NTU yr 3 I had to "work" with Ishi on this danceproduction. Along with the other dance presidents.

He always never turned up for meetings. Always gave the excuse that his dance lessons where more important.

He was not nice to talk to.

His dance instructor was a bit rude to me too.

"Oh so you can imagine what kind of lighting I want for this dance."

In my heart I was like "Ya amazing right! concerning the fact ishi never talked to me about it but just told me the song!"

He always had girls surrounding him.

Everyone praised him for being such a talent. Which I dont deny, but his snobbishness was really too much.

And after that! even when we dumped into each other in sch he never said hi! Not even a thanks for designing the lights. Hiaz…

But guess God has a way of dealing with me.

Making me realise ppl can be gone just like that.

I just found out Ishi killed himself over BGR issues.

And I was shocked! I tot cant be him! He was so popular!

I just started classes at Studio Wu and went to their website to read up on my instructors’ backgrounds. And I saw Ishi’s pict.

I was like shocked! What that idoit got to do with such nice instructors of mine. The more I found out the more heartache I got!

It is like come on man this must be a joke! I mean we graduated the same yr! less then a yr after we graduated he what!!!!! Killed himself!

I can remember glaring at him at Nanyang Auditorium 2 yrs ago over the fact he didnt explain to his instructor that they only had 10mins to practice on stage cos it was suppose to be bump in night for lights and sound only.

My God, we just graduated. To think the guy who was constantly surrounded by girls. Who was so popular the guys hated him…

I dont know how I should respond.

I thank God I have God! But at the same time, my God I should have bothered to get to know him. To know the man beneath the popularity.

God what lesson is to be learnt from this!

I just feel God telling me quicken your steps! Spread the Gospel! You dont know who will be going tommorrow!

Yeh… I’m back to that mood, that desire to want to get a tattoo again.

But previously it was just a desire. Not real idea where or what kind of tattoo i wanted.

Now…

well I know where and what. but hadn’t have time to draw it out yet. but this is some where near it.

Nice right???

But christians arent suppose to have tattoos.

So what am I going to do about it?

Pray lor. till the feeling fades. Kind of like my feelings for sebastian teo. haha.

Now I’m listening to my old collection of chirstian music. Street gospel music! Yeh man!

Not to sound un church like. But my church songs are starting to bore me again. kekekek its always the same singing style. But that really cant be helped.

But I also really wished they stopped all those blinding flash lights. Hiaz…..

And!! I feel like dying my hair fire red! and then go to church with spegetti top and low waist hip bearing pants. all not allowed in my church too!

Feeling a bit stifled in church I guess… hiaz…

I go thru these phases now and then here and there!  hiaz… I feel like I cant fit into my church culture. faint and I’ve been there for 14 yrs liao! God something happened along the way….

or it could be just my human nature acting up on me. hee hee

Dang how did this girl do her hair like that!

Note to future husband (if he exist!) being attention seeking lah! kekekek

For my wedding I want to be able to afford blue hair like this girl! EVEN IF IT MEANS BEING SENT TO TOKYO 1 DAY B4 MY WEDDING JUST TO DYE MY HAIR LIKE THAT! HAHA!

I WANT!